Around this time of year I pull out this piece written 9 years ago for a dust off and re-read to see if it still holds water. It was originally for my estranged loved one, who now is by my side, like they say “All is fair in love and war”
Now more then ever..It seems like love is in the air again, we see some of our friends having moved through tough times have come together to be stronger and more committed in their relationship, and others have suffered losses, and walk alone or open their hearts to new beginnings.
Affairs of the heart seem to have no reason. The heart wants what it wants and will torture one until its satisfied.
We all have a chance finding true unconditional love. Some of us don’t seem to recognize it, or believe it, or are just plain afraid of it….and lose it, letting it pass by. Then we go through life seemingly on the margins of fulfilling happiness. Love and heart-break have been the inspiration of our deepest passions that can even erupt into violent reactions that we had thought not to be a part of our character. Learning to love and allowing ourselves to be loved is an art that is developed through experience and history. We certainly are not born with the knowledge of how to find it and less on how to sustain it.
Naturally, first Love feels like magic: your heart soars. On the physical level the heart actually swells and relaxes. There’s great excitement and anticipation. But being “in love” can OR cannot overlap with really loving someone. Is there a difference between “love” and “being in love”? Some claim both can exist throughout a relationship; others say the “in love” feeling is an idealization of the partner during courtship, and that it can evolve into love. I believe it is the other way around, you are attracted to someone, you respect them, you admire them, you observe them, THEN you fall in love. It takes time and certainly a walk with a few prospective individuals to know what you need and want in a partner. On the other hand, one of dearest friends just had a meeting of hearts, and Cupids arrow (which they say even the Gods cannot resist), feel in love from one moment to the other. Fortunately her new lover feels the same.
Of course we have our links of profound love for our family, children and friends. These too need to be nurtured, respected and allowed to heal and progress. If you impose your own perceptions and expectations onto another person, or if your love is based on projection, it won’t last. Those feelings are erroneously based on the condition that the person conforms to your fantasized image of them. This image can be highly deceptive, destructive and painful when you both realize it, and, the disappointment can be enormous.
Some people love those who cannot love them back, treat them well, or provide a compatible partnership. Often there’s something familiar about the way you’re not loved back. This occurs on an unconscious first level, until you begin to see a pattern of choosing wrong partners or negative friendships. The familiar, even though not fully satisfying, is more comfortable than the unknown. To break this pattern, one can first become aware of the negative cycle, then, consciously make different choices. Its not easy changing our subliminal programing.
Attachment is a by-product of love. Its born from loving feelings toward the person, spending time together, and sharing experiences and activities. It’s hard to relinquish the sense of security that develops from such closeness. This is a positive thing, however, sometimes controlling attachment may lead to obsession and unfounded jealousy. The best attachment is the feeling of being loved, and understood, cared for and supported in developing ones personal potential and dreams.
A wise friend of mine recently put it this way..
Life hurts. It starts with birth. As all mothers know when in the labor of childbirth, the more we resist the pain, the more we struggle and hold back, the more stuck we get. And, we go through that labor of pain with the knowledge that we will have a beautiful new baby to hold and love when it is all over. It can be the same with dealing with our own pain.
Childhood pain sometimes lasts a lifetime..then there is adolescent and adulthood where we have to face the real world. It is our human heritance to be in pain. That is how we grow. We human beings have a wonderful ability to refill ourselves with joy and love after a painful event by recreating ourselves with new found knowledge.
The trail of tears is one of observation, cleansing and rebirth. Those stuck emotions can very well be the cause of body aches and pains, weight gain or loss, headaches, heart disease, degenerative diseases, inflammation and many more. As my professor of Chinese medicine points out, If you did not catch the illness, it came from you, through negative thoughts and repressed, conflicted emotions. That explains why one can have a reoccurring illness after a ¨successful¨ medical treatment. You have merely treated a physical symptom of a deeper disharmony.
Keeping an open heart and mind takes practice, meditation, constant evaluation, clear intention, truth and communication.
Lets work on making well thought out and heart-felt commitments first to ourselves, then to the ones we love. Let’s keep those promises. and hope for some good weather.